Truths of a conceited youth: how to be naked in black and white [Series]
Part of my journey in life has always been learning to accept my body… For many years I’ve treated it as an object – a shameful object no less.
I’m learning to understand that it is a temple – an imperfect temple.
I came across a little something from a piece of writing I composed about three years ago (I think). Here’s an extract:
“It makes me feel good knowing I can see my ribs when I suck my stomach in. It makes me feel good that I can just barely pass as thin. I’m not a bulimic though. I refuse to believe that I am. I can’t be if no one knows I do this. I know I can stop, but I just need to get to that goal weight. That goal weight of almost five years. ‘Battling the bulge’ has been a consistent and concious battle. Seeing how everyone dropped their baby fat or lost their weight ‘the right way’ was a bunch of bullshit to me. I’m a genetic fat – born fat, raised fat, living fat, forever fat…
My physicality is my greatest calamity in this life. While everyone gets the attention from the opposite or same sex, I’m left standing in the background rooting them on – offering advice from a place I’ve never existed. I’ve given up on thinking of being with anyone because I know it’s futility just waiting to remind me that it will never happen. I’ve been without a partner for so long, I doubt I could make anything work. I can never be happy in this body. I can fake it, but I’ll know. I want to be happy. I want to experience bliss from knowing I’ve kept someone satisfied with my physical appearance. I don’t want to be the person who “has a great heart” or “has a remarkable personality” or “has a sexy kind of intelligence”…” (Prinsloo, c.20??: 01)
Reading this now I cringe and laugh simultaneously at the misfortune I face(d) as a fat boy. I’m passed that now, but I know it’s a dormant addiction waiting for the right stimulus…
The shots I captured of myself could be considered my first try… they’re not only amateur in their quality and quantity, but in their desired intention too.
Consider this my “part one” in a series of bodily acceptance. It’s all about progression, right?
*I will also be photographing other candidates. Keep your eyes open.